Books on listening skills

Conversation by conversation you can discover in others emotions, hopes, fears, dreams and anxieties that make each of us unique. You can know others as they truly are, not as you assume they are or wish them to be and in turn they can get to know the real you too.
When we listen with empathy we raise the bar for our conversations and relationships and inspire others to do the same.

Listen Like You Mean It — A book that will provide you with the roadmap to becoming a better listener. It is written by Ximena Vengoechea. She is a user researcher who she has spent nearly a decade facilitating hundreds of conversations at LinkedIn, Twitter and Pinterest.

The author lays out a detailed action plan on getting started with empathetic listening and navigating the challenges associated with it. Richly interspersed with stories from the author’s life, its easy to relate every topic with your personal experiences.

The book is extremely comprehensive and has touched upon all aspects of empathetic listening. Following are some topics that the book addresses.

If we can’t hear what others mean or how they feel, we won’t be able to understand them

A listening mindset helps see people for what they truly are. The author discusses how the following traits for cultivating a listening mindset:

• Empathy — Imagine what someone might be feeling at. It acts as an antidote to projecting our experiences on others.
• Humility — It means letting go of pre-conceived notions, loosening grip on your emotions and assuming you are in the presence of an expert.
• Curiosity — During conversations, always be on the lookout for interesting edges. People’s lack of interest through actions such a fiddling with a mobile phone might feel like rejection.

2. Staying present in the conversation and not getting distracted

To stay present in conversations, following are some qualities that are necessary.

• Self-Awareness — Build awareness of your meandering thoughts. It is helpful to label the emotions you are feeling. For example, this is my anxiety speaking. Labelling your emotions helps you better them.
• Set yourself up for success — To manage your energy better, make sure you choose the appropriate time for your conversations. For example. immediately Post-lunch, people might not be that active. Further, you should avoid scheduling back to back meetings and stay away from distracting devices.
• Trust yourself to remember the important parts — For important conversations, we often want to write the important points. However, writing and listening at the same time can be cumbersome. So, during the conversation focus should just be on listening. Rather than remembering specifics, it is easier to remember emotions. Also, some time should be spared post the meeting to take notes.
• Forget mind reading — Don’t try to finish off other people’s sentences in your mind when they are speaking.

3. Going beyond words and listening to non verbal cues

Observing while you listen is very important trait of good listeners. It helps us understand reality because might not be willing or able to put everything in words.

• Lookout for emotional indicators — For example observe people’s body language, tone & pitch of the voice.

These reveal their true intentions and emotions.

4. Deepening conversation through better questions

Use connecting questions to help your conversation partner go deeper into what they are saying.

Connecting questions are open-ended and neutrally framed. These include:

• Exploratory questions — The how & what questions
• Encouraging questions — These act as expansion prompts and include phrases like tell me more, walk me through etc.
• Reflecting questions — These help think through topic at hand by offering comparison. For example if user talks about a feature and you ask them — is this a must have or nice to have?

On the other hand, avoid disconnecting questions. These are close ended and designed to elicit a specific response. They often lead to biased responses.

5. Getting comfortable with silence during conversations

To be a good listener you need to get comfortable with silence rather than instinctively fill it with talk.

During conversations, be silent just a hair longer than what seems comfortable. This often gives a space for your conversation partners to open up.

6. Confirming your comprehension

Many conversations are derailed simply because we misunderstood our conversation partners. To avoid this, practice the following:

• Establish the context of a conversation by understanding the scope & goals.
• Listen for important cues such as body language, repetitions and specific phrases that indicate we must listen up.
• Summarize what the other person said by using a shared vocabulary.
• Read the reactions of the other person by looking for signs of confusion, disinterest, disappointment etc.

7. Redirecting conversations

Certain times you might need to redirect a conversation. The reasons for this could include:

• Bring a conversation back on track
• Include Others
• Prevent it from spinning in circles
• Go deeper on a topic instead of skimming the surface
• Avoiding sensitive topics

For each of these scenarios, the author shares useful tips for redirection.

8. Exiting conversations when they are taking a toll on you

Sometimes, we must exit conversations when they start eating into our time and energy. Some tactics for this include:

• Timeboxing — Setting a time limit upfront. This could be done by telling the person explicitly how much time you have in advance. Or, you could schedule a conflict before and afterward.
• Diversions — It is simple, polite and unequivocal way of ending conversations. This includes phrases like I have to get going now, I won’t make more time of yours etc.
• Acknowledging that the conversations are no longer helping — Sometimes relationships around mentorship, guidance, advice might not be helping any more. It is best to acknowledge them in an honest conversation and move on.

As a principle, we should try distancing ourselves from takers — people who always take energy in conversations. Instead, we should try to maximize conversations with people who uplift, inspire and encourage us.

9. Having difficult conversations in certain relationships

The nature of certain relationships might make it difficult to have honest, open conversations. Some of these relationships include:

• Hierarchical relationships — These involve an imbalance of power. In such cases, ask yourself what you are afraid of. Articulating our feelings helps us do something about it.
• Competitive relationships — Where we harbor feelings of jealousy, insecurity towards our conversation partner. In such cases, practice the following: 1]interrogate your feelings to understand the ‘why’ behind them, 2] quieten your judgement 3] remind yourself of your shared humanity.
• Cross-cultural relationships — Differences in interpreting verbal and non-verbal cues might make it difficult to understand each other. In such cases, practice the following: 1] Acknowledge differences rather than dismiss them. 2]Ask for clarification when in doubt.

10. Having conversations around sensitive topics

Discussion around taboo topics is especially tricky. This is because it goes against social & cultural norms. These could include topics like: salary, unemployment, religion etc.

But sometimes having these conversations is unavoidable. Following tips can be useful in this regard.

• State your intent upfront.
• Start small and take things slowly.
• Summon your bravery — Getting started is the hardest part in such situations.
• Aim to understand — When somebody has opposing beliefs, remember that its not about you. It is an articulation of their experiences rather than a rejection of your value systems.

This is a highly recommended read for anyone looking to level up their listening skills in order to develop stronger relationships and become more effective in life & work!